Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe: PETA

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe is back at it again!  This time we'll be talking about PETA.  No not People Eating Tasty Animals which I support entirely.  I'm talking about the annoying group of animal lovers who do anything and everything just to get on the news, gross out the rest of us, and be annoying as hell.  Notice that all the people in the picture are white.  This leads me to believe that the crazy "need to create awareness" gene is somehow linked to the gene that causes people to be white.  Therefore I am warning all of you loyal Explodicon readers to avoid having kids with any family with a history of creating awareness freaks or it will no doubt affect your offspring annoying years to come - just like in the case of Queen Victoria and hemophilia.Getting back to PETA,  they're just so GODDAMN annoying.  They're constantly having awareness boners all over the place and subjecting us to the most retarded ideas ever.  Just look at this crap off to the right.  This comic is so ridiculously one-sided and biased, I can't do anything but shake my head everytime I look at it.  Then in recent news, PETA offered to give Ben and Jerry's human breast milk to use in their ice cream.  Also, the leader of PETA wants to be skinned and made into a purse - because I'm assuming she wants to have an awareness boner even when she's 6 feet under.  I only support one stance of PETA's which is . . . . . . . . 

Well at least PETA got one thing right.  I approve of naked hot chicks as much as the next guy and look forward to seeing more of these kind of protests near me soon.  

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe: Fat People Salads

Now I'm not bashing salads here or fat people.  I'm bashing the people who go out to restaurants with friends then say, "Oh, I'm on a diet so I think I'm going to have a Caeser salad."  Really now?  You plan to lose weight by pounding down a bowl of lettuce drenched in every sauce known to man, 3 different types of cheese, chicken, and croutons?  Well, good luck with that. Then there's the people who aren't food-savvy enough to make a caeser salad at home and just settle for a salad made with so much mayo and salad dressing, it looks like the aftermath of a splooge-fest.  Look at the images at the bottom of the page.  I don't know what the hell that crap looks like, but it sure doesn't look like food unless you happen to be reading this blog from a brothel or a prison.

Finally, there's a salad that fat people hold dear to their heart (which is going to explode soon).  This 2000 calorie salad boggles the human mind.  It even manages to use every food group known to man in greater quantities than what actually belongs in a salad.  This, my friends, is the taco salad.  Look at it in all its heart clogging glory!  Fat people will be sure to say, "But, Guacamole, it's a salad - It's GOTTA be healthy.  Look there's some leaves underneath the huge mound of ground beef - cheese conglomerate."  To that, I simply shake my head and die on the inside as sure enough they grab the salad dressing to add some sour cream to what's left of their salad.

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe: Bikers

Welcome to part 5 of Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe.  Today we will talk about bikers!  Yeah those super fat guys who look like they're inches away from a stroke or heart attack with enough tatoo ink to fill a box of papermate pens.  I have no idea why these guys do what they do.  What I do know is they look ridiculous doing it.  Most of them drive on the shittiest motorbikes known to man with mufflers so loud they wake up poor malnourished chinese children in the next hemisphere.  Furthermore, most of them look like they wandered out of a viking re-enactment play with their bandanas and homeless-guy style beard.  If these guys wanted to be taken seriously as hard-core criminals they should consider investing in real merchandise like an upgrade to thier motorbikes. I bet if they were rolling on Ducati motorbikes in Armani suits while packing uzis people would actually take them seriously and not just roll their eyes when they pass the donut shop with 30 overweight bikers hobbling around like beached walruses.  Instead of "Oh there's gramps - he's kind of senile and we just like to let him out to play on his motorbike so he feels like he's still contributing to society and he thinks people still respect him.", people would go "Holy CRAP there's those crazy bikers - don't look them straight in the eye or they'll come over here with their super fast ducatis and rape us in the face!"  And if I see any bikers wearing Armani on Ducatis tomorrow, I'm definitely going to ask they at least digg this blog for jacking my ideas.

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe: Arts Majors

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe is proud to present part 4 of things destroying the fabric of the universe.  Today we will be talking about Arts Majors.  Now I'm not talking about arts majors who get a degree in something useful like commerce or mathematics or anything even remotely geared toward getting a job in the real world.  I'm talking about the Women's Studies majors, the dance majors, and other variations of ways to go down in flames with your financial future.  I guess Arts majors didn't get the memo about the reasons why people go to university:

1. To get a job after university

2. To not be homeless after 4 years of schooling
3. To find an excuse to drink everyday

4. To enjoy what you're studying

Seem's like Arts majors totally missed steps 1 and 2 which are absolutely crucial.  No worries though, they'll have plenty of time for number 3 in the years to come.  Just look at all the viable career options for arts majors.  Well there's teaching your useless subject to future generations, there's becoming a lawyer, and there's using your creativity to make a sign asking for money.  Just look at the happy arts major off to the left!  Jokes aside, apart from Law there really isn't that much you can do with an art degree to make it worth the thousands of dollars in debt you undertake. The world is littered with video store clerks and cashiers with BA's not doing remotely related to their education.  Why noone has caught on to this and continue to get further into debt to "do what they love" is beyond me.  They'd be better off saving their money and avoiding a future of knock-off pepsi-cola and fried chicken.  

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe: Hippies

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe is proud to present : Hippies - Treehugging failures at life.  I actually wouldn't have that much problem with hippies if they didn't try to force their opinions about the economy, the environment, and the evil EVIL! corporations on us all the time.  If I wanted to adapt your mantra of communing with the trees and saving the environment from the evil corporations that make everything we use as a society today, then I'd grab an Alladin vest, a guitar with a pot logo emblazoned on the center, and start building a tent made out of garbage bags!  Problem is - I kinda like living in a house with luxuries like walls and stuff . . . So I don't think i'm going to go for that.  

Just look at this commercial here by gigantic head honcho hippie David Suzuki. In this commercial, save-the-world man is changing some guy's lightbulb in favor of a flourescent bulb, and just after he does it kids put down their video games and go out to play hockey, some bullshit happy-go-lucky music comes on, the sun rises, and all pollution stops.  Maybe the reason people aren't installing these bulbs are because hmmm... I don't know - They don't feel like getting mercury poisoning??  Yeah a lot of people don't realize that if they break a flourescent bulb, mercury is going to be in their carpet and flooring which they're going to have to pay thousands of dollars to clean up.  Don't believe me?  Then go here and check it out for yourself.  Feel good everyday knowing that you're saving the environment a marginal cent every day, just don't think about the possibility your bulb might break costing you more than it ever would have saved you.

 

So you've been kidnapped...

and you've miracously escaped. You go to the local police station and they ask you to describe the suspect. You tell them he had real shifty eyes. He had a bad haircut. You happen to mention in passing that he was insanely ugly. Would the police sketch look like this? 

This sketch had me laughing uncontrollably for a good minute. Here's the story if you want to read it. It certainly looks like the kid is on the way to jail for making up bogus stories and wasting police resources. Not to mention on the way to internet infamy. 

UPDATE: The kidnapper has been found!

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe: People who can't rap that rap.

I think this video speaks for itself.

Watch her as she confronts her rapist, kills the president, kicks a old lady's ass, freestyle raps, and presses charges at least 12 times.