Watch this 100 times and you will still laugh.

I've watched this over and over. I still laugh every single time.

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe: PETA

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe is back at it again!  This time we'll be talking about PETA.  No not People Eating Tasty Animals which I support entirely.  I'm talking about the annoying group of animal lovers who do anything and everything just to get on the news, gross out the rest of us, and be annoying as hell.  Notice that all the people in the picture are white.  This leads me to believe that the crazy "need to create awareness" gene is somehow linked to the gene that causes people to be white.  Therefore I am warning all of you loyal Explodicon readers to avoid having kids with any family with a history of creating awareness freaks or it will no doubt affect your offspring annoying years to come - just like in the case of Queen Victoria and hemophilia.Getting back to PETA,  they're just so GODDAMN annoying.  They're constantly having awareness boners all over the place and subjecting us to the most retarded ideas ever.  Just look at this crap off to the right.  This comic is so ridiculously one-sided and biased, I can't do anything but shake my head everytime I look at it.  Then in recent news, PETA offered to give Ben and Jerry's human breast milk to use in their ice cream.  Also, the leader of PETA wants to be skinned and made into a purse - because I'm assuming she wants to have an awareness boner even when she's 6 feet under.  I only support one stance of PETA's which is . . . . . . . . 

Well at least PETA got one thing right.  I approve of naked hot chicks as much as the next guy and look forward to seeing more of these kind of protests near me soon.  

Serious Business: Elections

Not everything is fun and games here at Explodicon. Sometimes things like real life and free pizza grab our attention and we're unable to blog for a while. 

Today I came across an article in the London Free Press. Now I'm not sure if Free refers to freedom of the press or just the quality of the paper. Nonetheless it had a very interesting article splattered over the front. 

 Blizzards of promises, duelling ideologies, tricky platforms -- it's tough enough for an informed voter to make sense of election choices, but what if you're like one in five who can't even read or write?

Your voter card that comes in the mail contains 13 sets of written instructions alone -- a huge challenge for the 20 per cent of adults in many cities, including London-Middlesex, who can't read the directions on a simple medicine label.

Elections Canada is reaching out to those with low literacy skills -- that's about half of all Canadians, including those with only basic reading and writing skills -- before the Oct. 14 federal election.

Now I can't be the only person who has a problem with this. First off the paper is clearly manipulating statistics for drama. The first sentence misleads you into believing one in five Canadians are unable to read or write. That's a staggering number. Then the second sentence concedes that it's one in five adults who can't read or write. There's a difference. Adults who can't read or write English or French are mostly new immigrants, and therefore aren't eligable to vote anyways.  

Now that's not the problem. The problem is that, apparently people who can't understand what "take two pills every four hours as required" are voting and are therefore exerting their influence over the rest of us. Why are people who can't understand simple instructions in a postion to determine our futures in the first place? Inevitably someone will say it's a short step from taking these peoples' vote to only letting the elite vote to Canada becoming the Fourth Reich. If you were thinking that, not only are you an idiot, but you don't know your history either. 

Now if I were a pro-active hombre I'd do something about this. But I'm not. If a moron is elected this fall and everyone complains, I'll just sit back and smile. 

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe: Fat People Salads

Now I'm not bashing salads here or fat people.  I'm bashing the people who go out to restaurants with friends then say, "Oh, I'm on a diet so I think I'm going to have a Caeser salad."  Really now?  You plan to lose weight by pounding down a bowl of lettuce drenched in every sauce known to man, 3 different types of cheese, chicken, and croutons?  Well, good luck with that. Then there's the people who aren't food-savvy enough to make a caeser salad at home and just settle for a salad made with so much mayo and salad dressing, it looks like the aftermath of a splooge-fest.  Look at the images at the bottom of the page.  I don't know what the hell that crap looks like, but it sure doesn't look like food unless you happen to be reading this blog from a brothel or a prison.

Finally, there's a salad that fat people hold dear to their heart (which is going to explode soon).  This 2000 calorie salad boggles the human mind.  It even manages to use every food group known to man in greater quantities than what actually belongs in a salad.  This, my friends, is the taco salad.  Look at it in all its heart clogging glory!  Fat people will be sure to say, "But, Guacamole, it's a salad - It's GOTTA be healthy.  Look there's some leaves underneath the huge mound of ground beef - cheese conglomerate."  To that, I simply shake my head and die on the inside as sure enough they grab the salad dressing to add some sour cream to what's left of their salad.

Jesus? Forget that guy, Bring on RAPTOR JESUS!

Moving away from the You Tube memes, today Raptor Jesus Will be introduced. Before I explain him out i'm gona talk about memes a bit more. They don't just exist in You Tube form they can be pretty much anywhere on the intrawebz. I'm gonna throw the definition of memes out for you guys (should have been done in the first meme post).

Meme: Some bs thing that is normally spewed out by 12 year olds on popular internet hangouts, such as forums and You Tube, which gain a lot of attention and then 5 seconds later every other dumbass is saying it.

Anyways, back to raptor jesus. 50 bucks says that some kid simply cut a picture of a raptors head and pasted it on Jesus, then he went on some religous forum thread and said something along the lines of "LOLLLLLLLWTF JESUS IS SO LAME, RAPTOR JESUS IS WHERE ITS AT (random swearword)". Then John Mathison (some kid who got access to the computer because he was doing "research") saw the picture and fell out of his chair laughing. The two idiots got together and started spamming the picture of Raptor Jesus everywhere. Approximately 4 minutes later the forum was filled with nothing but pictures of Raptor Jesus.

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe: Bikers

Welcome to part 5 of Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe.  Today we will talk about bikers!  Yeah those super fat guys who look like they're inches away from a stroke or heart attack with enough tatoo ink to fill a box of papermate pens.  I have no idea why these guys do what they do.  What I do know is they look ridiculous doing it.  Most of them drive on the shittiest motorbikes known to man with mufflers so loud they wake up poor malnourished chinese children in the next hemisphere.  Furthermore, most of them look like they wandered out of a viking re-enactment play with their bandanas and homeless-guy style beard.  If these guys wanted to be taken seriously as hard-core criminals they should consider investing in real merchandise like an upgrade to thier motorbikes. I bet if they were rolling on Ducati motorbikes in Armani suits while packing uzis people would actually take them seriously and not just roll their eyes when they pass the donut shop with 30 overweight bikers hobbling around like beached walruses.  Instead of "Oh there's gramps - he's kind of senile and we just like to let him out to play on his motorbike so he feels like he's still contributing to society and he thinks people still respect him.", people would go "Holy CRAP there's those crazy bikers - don't look them straight in the eye or they'll come over here with their super fast ducatis and rape us in the face!"  And if I see any bikers wearing Armani on Ducatis tomorrow, I'm definitely going to ask they at least digg this blog for jacking my ideas.

Stylin: Belts

Welcome back to another episode of stylin. Today we will bring up the second most important piece of clothing accessory thing; Belts. As Ol Man Jenkinz mentioned earlier kids now a days don't believe in wearing belts anymore. These kids need to grow up. Belts are the once accessory that you can get a billion trillion of and make different combos out of. For example you can take some random leather belt, buy a belt buckle from your store of choice and BAM its your own unique belt.

You also don't have to buy a "belt", because pretty much anything can me made into a belt. Here are some things that can be used as belts:

• Extension Cable
• Random cloth
• Guitar Strings (seriously dangerous)
• Medals
• Headphones
• Video Game controller
• and a gazzilion other things. 

The people who want to give off the most "unique" should choose to wear an extension cable, or similar cable. 
Those that want to look just plain "unique" should take a normal leather belt and add a belt buckle to it. 

Those that want to show the world that they are really rich should buy designer brand belts. Some popular brands of belts are: Armani, Dunhill, and D&G. 

Finally those that don't really care about falling in a certain group and want to rock the "plain" guy look should go get cloth belts, we reccomend lacoste brand belts for this. 

It doesn't really matter what type of belt you get, as long as you wear one. The belt doesn't even have to be visible, people will just know that you are wearing a belt. Sure you can go out and boast about your belt to get max exposure, but this may result in people a) ignoring you or b) point out that your zipper is down (resulting in max embarrasment). 

We here at explodicon hope you go out and try some of these new belt looks, we are pushing for the extension cable belt, we hear that it will be all the rage in 2009.

Explodicon Lexicon: STWB

Super Tan White Bitch (n.)

Only two of the girls in this picture are Black. The other two are STWBs. Can you guess who's who?

Definition: A STWB is a white girl that goes tanning far too much. There's nothing less attractive than these types of girls. First off, you're not black. Secondly, you're not black. Thirdly, you're not black. Fourthly, skin cancer. Okay, we get it. You want to rock that healthy tan look. But that doesn't look healthy at all. You want to get some 'diversity' in you. Why not date an Asian man instead?

Origins: If you've ever been forced to watch The Search for the Next Doll or Girlicious, you'll know where these people come from.

Famous STWB's: All of Girlicious, Pussycat Dolls, Danity Kane. Coincidentally (or not) these bands also have no talent. 

Keeping it real with Ol Man Jenkinz: Wearing Belts

(DO NOT EVER DRESS LIKE THIS KIDS)

Hello again internet fanatics, yesterday as I was surfing through my channels I came across a very peculiar sight. It was a couple of young african-american men whose pants were sagging below their behinds. At first I thought "oh my what unfortunate children, they cannot even afford a belt to properly wear their pants". But as i kept surfing I saw a similar sight once again, this time it was on an MTV (worst channel of all time) music video. At this point I got curious and decided to turn on my pentiac II and start browsing the intarnets. I came across many pictures of young men wearing their pants like this (shown above). NOW WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WANT TO WEAR YOUR PANTS THAT LOW? Now back in my day, we never used to wear shorts as long sleeve pants.  I am outraged that these ragamuffins now a day keep their pants to purposely show off their undergarments. These kids spend half the time lifting up their pants as they walk down the street. Not only does this make them look poor but it also shows how stupid they are. 

I propose that the Canadian and American Government bring up a legislation so that kids are taught how to dress properly, this should be done at schools.  

Back in my day everyone actually spent time dressing themselves and getting cleaned up before they went outside. On the left is a perfectly dressed man. I remember having to wake up and being happy about taking a nice long shower followed by a nice 10 minute long combing session. After that I would go to my closet and choose a freshly ironed plaid shirt making sure to button it all the way to the top. Next I would go to my dresser and pick out some pants, then put a belt on. Finally I would grab some socks, shine my shoes and put them on. Voila the perfect ensemble. When I stepped outside my house everyone automatically saw how handsome I was, and I would get a minimum of 20 compliments a day. 

Anyways I think its about time I head to sleep, have to wake up early to feed the pigeons downtown. 

Implodicon Award: Lil Wayne

In stark contrast to our Explodicon Awards, which are a recognition of the pinnacle of human achievement, we have our Implodicon Awards. To win an Implodicon Award is to prove yourself the lowest of the low, what's left after the dregs, and most likely a rap artist. 

Congratulations, Lil Wayne. You've done the impossible and outdone 50 Cent as the worst rapper of all time and hereby given the first ever Implodicon award.

Let's take a look at some of your lyrics

"A millionaire, I'm a young money millionaire

Tougher than Nigerian hair
My criteria compared to your career just isn't fair
I'm a venereal disease
Like a menstrual—bleed"

Wow, where to start? You're tougher than Nigerian hair? Do you know what Nigerian hair looks like? PUBES! You're a venereal disease? Is that a metaphor for how popular you are?

"Cause I don't write shit, cause I ain't got time" 

I think you misspoke here. What you mean is "Cause I can't write for shit, cause I ain't got talent"

"Call me what you want bitch

Call me on my Sidekick
Never answer when it's private
Damn I hate a shy bitch
Don't you hate a shy bitch?
Yeah I ate a shy bitch
She ain't shy no more, she changed her name to my bitch
Yeah nigga, that's my bitch
So when she ask for the money when you through don't be surprised, bitch"

 I think the problem here is that you must have sleeped through a crucial lesson phonics class. You can't rhyme bitch with bitch. You could say "Damn I hate a shy bitch, my dick has got a nasty itch" See, that's because itch and bitch rhyme. Bitch and bitch don't rhyme. 

"And I be the shit, now you got loose bowels

I don't owe you like two vowels
But I would like for you to pay me by the hour"

You know what kind of people charge by the hour? Whores. 

This is all in addition to the constant repetition of A Millie over and over again in the background. I guess Lil Wayne couldn't hire Timbaland for some real beats. (Disclaimer: Explodicon does not approve of Timbaland or his beats. Timbaland is in fact a jackass)

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe: Arts Majors

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe is proud to present part 4 of things destroying the fabric of the universe.  Today we will be talking about Arts Majors.  Now I'm not talking about arts majors who get a degree in something useful like commerce or mathematics or anything even remotely geared toward getting a job in the real world.  I'm talking about the Women's Studies majors, the dance majors, and other variations of ways to go down in flames with your financial future.  I guess Arts majors didn't get the memo about the reasons why people go to university:

1. To get a job after university

2. To not be homeless after 4 years of schooling
3. To find an excuse to drink everyday

4. To enjoy what you're studying

Seem's like Arts majors totally missed steps 1 and 2 which are absolutely crucial.  No worries though, they'll have plenty of time for number 3 in the years to come.  Just look at all the viable career options for arts majors.  Well there's teaching your useless subject to future generations, there's becoming a lawyer, and there's using your creativity to make a sign asking for money.  Just look at the happy arts major off to the left!  Jokes aside, apart from Law there really isn't that much you can do with an art degree to make it worth the thousands of dollars in debt you undertake. The world is littered with video store clerks and cashiers with BA's not doing remotely related to their education.  Why noone has caught on to this and continue to get further into debt to "do what they love" is beyond me.  They'd be better off saving their money and avoiding a future of knock-off pepsi-cola and fried chicken.  

Indian Thriller

Today we dig up another meme for you, one that contains 100% indians combined with 300% funny. The music video is so cheesy that it will definitely make whatever beverage you are drinking come out your nose. The best part of the video has to be the english "translated" lyrics. Please note that its not an actual translation. 

Stylin: Dunks

At explodicon we believe that everyone should roll the streets in ultimate style. You may be thinking "How the crap do i achieve this style!?", well don't fret cause we will be teaching you exactly what to wear and how to wear it (if applicable).

Lesson #1, shoes. The most vital part of your style are your shoes, these sucks you gota wear everday so you have to make sure that what you have is the best on the block. We support Nike Dunks (not paid for by nike). At the moment our editors are rocking out in Purple Pigeons Dunks Sb(shown above). The purple pigeons were introduced in November 06, so they may be going for $200+, and are ultra hard to find. So if you see em' cop em'. Wearing these suckas will make you be the target of envy on your block and like 34 other blocks in the surrounding area, no one will even bother questioning the purple!

Thats all we got for today, check back some other time for more stylin tips

Explodicon Lexicon: Bonokkake

Bonokkake (n.)

Definition: To recieve (un)righteous indignation in liquid semen form all over the face.

Origin: Bono, an asshole who is pretentious enough to only have one name is, well known for his over the top philantrophy. In addition to giving the world the eleven worst songs of 2004, he is known for donating over 3 dollars of his personal money for AIDS research. If Bono truly cared about the world, he'd give all of his money to the needy, instead of petitioning you to give up yours. 

Usage: Ugh, Bono just Bonokakke'd all over my face. I think I'm going to use this towel made in a Malaysian sweatshop by 7 year old children to clean it up. 

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe: Hippies

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe is proud to present : Hippies - Treehugging failures at life.  I actually wouldn't have that much problem with hippies if they didn't try to force their opinions about the economy, the environment, and the evil EVIL! corporations on us all the time.  If I wanted to adapt your mantra of communing with the trees and saving the environment from the evil corporations that make everything we use as a society today, then I'd grab an Alladin vest, a guitar with a pot logo emblazoned on the center, and start building a tent made out of garbage bags!  Problem is - I kinda like living in a house with luxuries like walls and stuff . . . So I don't think i'm going to go for that.  

Just look at this commercial here by gigantic head honcho hippie David Suzuki. In this commercial, save-the-world man is changing some guy's lightbulb in favor of a flourescent bulb, and just after he does it kids put down their video games and go out to play hockey, some bullshit happy-go-lucky music comes on, the sun rises, and all pollution stops.  Maybe the reason people aren't installing these bulbs are because hmmm... I don't know - They don't feel like getting mercury poisoning??  Yeah a lot of people don't realize that if they break a flourescent bulb, mercury is going to be in their carpet and flooring which they're going to have to pay thousands of dollars to clean up.  Don't believe me?  Then go here and check it out for yourself.  Feel good everyday knowing that you're saving the environment a marginal cent every day, just don't think about the possibility your bulb might break costing you more than it ever would have saved you.

 

It's over 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wus goin on suckas yesterday we started talking about memes and gave you a small taste. Today we give you another one, more of you may recognize this one.

Keeping it real with Ol Man Jenkinz: Fauxhawks

Hello my young parsons it is I, Old man Jenkinz, or as the younglings like to call me Ol man Jenkinz. In my first column I will talk about all the new doodads in todays society. Today I will bring up Fauxhawks, now what kind of haircut is that!? For those of you who don't know fauxhawks look like: 

Now i'm confused as to why any of you hipsters would want to look like a rooster or any other bird. I for one will never get 

any haircut even remotely resembling this. If i wanted to look like a freak i'd walk down to the local costume shop and pick out something. 

Back in my day we had real haircuts, things like the bowl cut, a simple taper, the caesar, or the ultra popular businessman cut. Now those were the style, when you walked down the street everyone knew that you were a man and not some freak whose brain got replaced with that of a roosters. 

Enough with my ranting I think I am going to go and watch the history channel. 

Whatchu Sayin?: Bomb

Now that awesome is the most overused word in the history of the world we think its time for it to pass its crown. We here at explodicon have replaced the word with bomb.
Bomb can also replace words like:
cool
wicked
sick
sweet
To help you learn how to use the word we will use it in a non bias sentence. "Man explodicon is the most bomb blog I have ever seen."
Now that you have learned a new(ish) word go out there and start using it excessively and make this world a better place!

So you've been kidnapped...

and you've miracously escaped. You go to the local police station and they ask you to describe the suspect. You tell them he had real shifty eyes. He had a bad haircut. You happen to mention in passing that he was insanely ugly. Would the police sketch look like this? 

This sketch had me laughing uncontrollably for a good minute. Here's the story if you want to read it. It certainly looks like the kid is on the way to jail for making up bogus stories and wasting police resources. Not to mention on the way to internet infamy. 

UPDATE: The kidnapper has been found!

Things Destroying the Fabric of the Universe: People who can't rap that rap.

I think this video speaks for itself.

Watch her as she confronts her rapist, kills the president, kicks a old lady's ass, freestyle raps, and presses charges at least 12 times.

Watchu Sayin?: Foo

Wus goin on foos? Everyone and their dog has their own slang now-a-days, we also believe in this new trend of making up words/ recyling random words and using them in every other sentence. One of these words is Foo (fool) Mr. T says foo a lot so we punked his word and use it excessively now.

Next best thing

We here at explodicon are aware of internet "memes", many of you probably have no idea what they are so to help you learn we will give you a small taste. This video combines the awesome of random rap music with everyones favorite predator.

Explodicon Lexicon: Cockwalrus Factor

Cockwalrus Factor (n.)

We here at Explodicon believe in enriching your word power. So every once in a while we will introduce our readers with a new term or phrase that can be used in their everyday speech. Today’s word is Cockwalrus Factor.

Professor Michael P. Cockwalrus, currently a Professor Emeritus at the College of Applied Theoretic, empirically deduced the formula to measure one’s Cockwalrus Factor. 

Cf. = D /G 

Where Cf. is the Cockwalrus Factor, D is how big of a douche you are and G is how many girls you’ve slept with. Cockwalrus Factors over 2 are considered extremely douchey and may result in popped collars, gold chains and excessive steroid abuse. Persons with a Cockwalrus factor over 2 may be referred to as a Megacockwalruses. 

Famous persons with a high Cockwalrus Factor: Tom Brady, Mark Wahlberg, all Guidos

1st Weekly-ish Explodicon Awards

In an effort to get back to our roots, we will be presenting to you our weekly Explodicon Awards. An Explodicon Award is much like a Teen Choice award, it's great to have and to hold, but ultimately means nothing. 

This week's winner is... Explodicon.blogspot.com! Explodicon is being recognized for the best blogging site in the world, in addition to holding weekly Explodicon Awards. Congratulations!

Learn how to write YouTube comments like a champ!

leran hao 2 rite youtube commentz liek champ wit tha unintelligencer!

http://unintelligencer.com/

How White People See Rap Battles

Wow that is absolutely true!! We here at Explodicon have consulted 2 whole white people and they agreed.

Welcome to Explodicon!1!

Explodicon is going to be the source of everything awsome.  Reading Explodicon has been likened to drinking from a fire hose - only it's more like trying to get a tan from standing 10 feet from an explosion - at least 32x more awsome and 70% more intense.  I welcome you to subscribe, but don't say that you haven't been warned of the sheer overpowering awsomeness of Explodicon - The BLOG.

The name

To all those kids who will eventually find this blog and freak about the name and try to claim it as their own, i'd relax and give up. This blog was created before 5/20/06, and i have proof of this. The blog came down due to innactivity so it recently got put back up.